Revisiting Harry: The Chamber of Secrets

I’m amazed at how little I remember from the first two books. I haven’t rewatched either movie since they came out and honestly, they answered a lot of origin questions that I just couldn’t place. When did Dobby get on the scene? How do we know who Tom Riddle is? What’s the deal with the founders of Hogwarts? It’s all here. Along with horrifying spiders and a basilisk that makes an anaconda look like a tool of a garden snake.

I present 155 Thoughts on Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets:

  1. Alright, here we go! I don’t remember the chamber or the secrets or anything about this book. Should be enlightening!
  2. I’m confident I would hate living with a bird in my room. Ick.
  3. Aunt Petunia might be the worst person alive, but she can make an amazing pavlova. I envy the height.
  4. I didn’t realize the Dursleys were in these early movies so much. It’s wonderful not seeing them in the later films. 
  5. Dobby!!!!!!!!!!!
  6. I love Dobby, the original drama queen. 
  7. Ah shit, stealing letters. You’re a mess, Dobby. 
  8. I don’t remember him being so mischievous. How could he ruin that beautiful cake?
  9. Okay, clearly that’s a poorly done cake. It shouldn’t be goopy in the middle. You’re awful, Aunt Petunia.
  10. Oh yeah! This is the one with the flying car! That means a little Whomping Willow action is soon to come.
  11. Yaasss, the Weasleys save the day. And tear the entire window off in the process.
  12. I’ll never understand why the Dursleys want him to stay in the house. They hate him, they hate magic, and yet they don’t want him to leave the house.
  13. Wonderful seeing his uncle fall out of the window. Can you tell I hate them? I realize that’s as basic of an opinion as you can have.
  14. Ah yes, the beautiful Weasley house. Never has a prop master had more to do on a movie set.
  15. I’ve always loved the blatant use of magic in their house. Dishes, knitting, cooking, everything.
  16. It’s wild to think there was a time when all of the Weasley’s didn’t know him.
  17. Haha, I love the old owl running into he window. Everything of theirs is broken af.
  18. This floo powder scene ruined my entire life. Every time I’m in a car, a train, a plane, I think about floo powder and how much easier it would be. 
  19. Eww, I forgot about the impromptu visit to Borgin and Burke’s. What a gross place. Though I envy their bookshelf trinket game. 
  20. Yaasss, Queen Hermione. Fixing those glasses like a boss.
  21. God, Gilderoy Lockhart is such a tool. 
  22. And then he talks, and he becomes literally the worst.
  23. I can’t imagine reading a single book by that fool.
  24. And here’s the lead tool himself, and his elf father. The blondest hair in the whole wide world.
  25. The class nonsense among the wizarding community is a bunch of BS. Though it does paint a startling picture of our actual society.
  26. I can’t image Harry and Ron stealing a car and flying it across England. 
  27. Also, how does Ron know how to drive this thing? Isn’t he like fourteen?
  28. This is why cars don’t fly. So many people would fall out of them.
  29. Yeah, I’m pretty sure they’d be dead after a crash like that. 
  30. You gotta love the Whomping Willow. You know a school doesn’t give a shit when they have a sentient tree whose primary characteristic is destroying anything that gets near it.
  31. Harry Potter and the Case of the Escaping Flying Car. Not quite as interesting.
  32. Filch gonna take you down. 
  33. Amazing. They’re in trouble for damaging the Whomping Willow.
  34. Professor Sprout is sorely underused in the movies. 
  35. Literally the most dangerous school that has ever existed. The first task is to tear out a living plant whose cry can kill you. 
  36. Colin Creevy, the original fanboy. No chill at all. 
  37. Howlers are amazing. It takes the Beverly Goldberg guilt letter and multiples it by a billion. 
  38. A painting of Lockheart painting a painting of himself. Enough said.
  39. Poor Neville, always the butt of every joke. 
  40. It was a great idea to release a bunch of little flying gremlins free. And then he runs away and leaves his students to fend for themselves. How is he not fired after day one.
  41. Way to go Malfoy, buying your way onto the team.
  42. Yaasss Hermione, you call it girl. 
  43. The slug spell is fascinating. Do they keep living after they’ve been thrown up? How long does it last? Where do they come from?
  44. Hagrid is so sweet. The best guy ever. 
  45. Lockhart does have amazing hair, I’ll give him that. 
  46. Oh yeah! I forgot about the voices. Not sure what I would do if I heard voices moving through the wall. 
  47. It’s a tad unsettling to see how enormous the regular Hogwarts spiders are. Nope nope nope.
  48. Maybe don’t have a janitor who threatens to attack students. This is a prime example of the dangers of tenure.
  49. Aha, she’s not dead. Mrs. Norris lives forever.
  50. It’s amazing how different Richard Harris’ version of Dumbledore is. I had almost forgotten him in the movies. 
  51. How does nobody protest turning animals into objects?
  52. McGonnagal, always hating on the Slytherins. Though I guess Salazar was a pretty awful person.
  53. The Chamber of Secrets sounds badass. How do I not remember this?
  54. Yaasss, break the rules Hermione.
  55. Polyjuice potion scared the crap out of me. It sounds fun but no thanks. 
  56. You know a potion is legit when it takes a month to create.
  57. And we’re back to the most dangerous game ever invented. Yay Quidditch!
  58. Malfoy is the worst seeker. He’d rather be a snot then look for the damn snitch.
  59. Seriously, what would they do without Hermione. She is the only reason any of them stay alive. 
  60. Wow, Lockhart literally removed Harry’s bones. What?
  61. The slither of the snake is almost unbearable. So realistic and gross.
  62. Okay, Dobby legit scared the crap out of me. Potter jumpscare.
  63. There’s nothing more tragic than watching Dobby cry. Hearing about his horrid living conditions is just so sad.
  64. This is a really bad semester at Hogwarts. Everyone has been attacked, battered and harassed and we’re only a couple of weeks into the school year. 
  65. I’m always amazed at the sheer size of the bathrooms. Columns and fancy sinks and bazillions of stalls. 
  66. Yaasss, Moaning Myrtle. Badass Supreme.
  67. I guarantee that bathroom is the secret pooping place for dozens of people.
  68. Oh God, Snape is going to kill Lockheart. Boy, you better run. Your fancy hair can’t save you now.
  69. Seriously, there’s a spell that shoots a snake out of your wand. No thanks. Very much no thanks. 
  70. These kids must be crapping themselves hearing Harry speak Parceltongue. 
  71. I love that the biggest concern is that people will think Harry is a Slytherin. As if there’s nothing worse.
  72. Hogwarts is the most gossipy school, everyone staring at Harry and getting into his business. Malfoy looks like a damn vampire, maybe focus on that.
  73. There go the enormous spiders again. Horrifying. 
  74. And why don’t all of the windows have glass? How do students walk around in the winter? 
  75. Speaking of open windows, they don’t have any electric heating in the whole castle. What must that be like?
  76. The entrance to Dumbledore’s office is wonderfully extra with its spiraling phoenix staircase. 
  77. Dude, don’t question the grumpy-ass Sorting Hat. He doesn’t mess around.
  78. That phoenix baby is cute AF. 
  79. Christmas at Hogwarts is epic. Getting snowed on in the Great Hall. Thirty-foot Christmas trees. Amazing.
  80. Hermione with her drugged cupcakes. That’s shady, lady.
  81. You gotta love two idiots who would just eat a levitating cupcake. They deserve everything that comes to them.
  82. Wow, that’s a disgusting Polyuice potion. I don’t remember later versions being so gross.
  83. Girl, we know you turned yourself into a human cat in there. 
  84. Boooooo, Percy is the worst. 
  85. I love that Malfoy just lounges in the common room talking crap about other students. 
  86. I definitely prefer the Slytherin common room tbh. It’s fancy pants. 
  87. Myrtle is such a gossip queen. 
  88. They really need to work on the plumbing in Hogwarts. It’s a total mess.
  89. Come on, Ron, don’t discriminate against ghosts. They have feelings too, especially Myrtle.
  90. NEVER. TRUST. A. BOOK. THAT. TALKS. TO. YOU.
  91. Especially if it sucks your body into its binding, sending you through a magical portal into the past. 
  92. It’s weird to see Voldemort with a nose and fancy hair. His looks reallllllly go downhill.
  93. If there was ever a school that would benefit from a network of security cameras, this would be it.
  94. Young Hagrid!
  95. That’s why you don’t have a fifty pound spider as a pet. You deserve to get expelled.
  96. I love that Ron isn’t concerned about the murder of a student, but about Voldemort being a snitch.
  97. What? They murder baby mandrakes to make medicine?!
  98. NO HERMIONEEEEEEEEE! I mean, obviously I know she lives, but still. Screen time without Hermione isn’t the same.
  99. I feel like a threat to close the school doesn’t mean anything given its history. If they haven’t been shut down by now, nothing could be bad enough to do it. 
  100. Cornelius Fudge is such a tool. Useless leadership at work.
  101. What?! They arrest Hagrid and take him to Azkaban? How could I not remember all of this?
  102. Really Malfoy, you’re going to try and take down Dumbledore? Granted, he probably should be fired given the number of students who die or get attacked under his watch. But still, get out of here fool.
  103. A Hogwarts without Dumbledore and Hagrid is no Hogwarts at all.
  104. Dude, why are you taking Fang with you? Everyone knows he’s the biggest weenie of them all.
  105. Yeah, I agree with Ron. Don’t follow teams of enormous spiders into the dark forest. You are going to DIE.
  106. I’m amazed at Harry not caring about a bajillion spiders at all. Ron is losing it and he’s just like whatever, let’s walk into this dark cave where the floor moves and that enormous tree branch is actually a spider leg!
  107. Nope.
  108. NOPE.
  109. NOOOOOOOPE.
  110. Aragog is probably my least favorite part of the Harry Potter universe. This is like the worst Frostbite Spider cave in Skyrim times a billion.
  111. Ron’s performance in this part is brilliant. He’s not about that spider life. And Harry is just like, okay, let’s go.
  112. Oh come on Aragog, they’re enough food for like three of the 20,000 spiders.
  113. I am cringing so hardcore right now. The sound effects of thousands of spiders skittering around is horrible. 
  114. DRIVE FLYING CAR. DRIVE.
  115. Seriously, this is horror movie level. Another jumpscare as the spider flies into the window and grabs Ron’s head. NO. NO. NO.
  116. Aragog needs to stop making babies. Seriously, it’s enough now. That many spiders would need to kill thousands of creatures a day to survive.
  117. To be honest, I shipped Harry and Hermione from the beginning. I guess I’m fine with how things ended up.
  118. Of course Hermione figured all of it out. She knows all, she is all, long hail the Queen.
  119. Alright Lockheart, time to show your fraud self. The worst.
  120. How the hell did Lockheart get this job in the first place? Seriously, he doesn’t know anything and he can’t help anyone. 
  121. Myrtle totally has a thing for Harry. She’s all about it. 
  122. The actress who portrays Moaning Myrtle is a true master of tiny noises and inflections. It blows my mind. 
  123. I’m realizing this is probably the first actual adventure Lockheart has been on .
  124. Oh Myrtle, you need to work on your game. 
  125. Wow, so many bones. Nope. Nope. Nope.
  126. This snake is as long as a semi-truck and as thick as a few basketballs. There should be sooooo many more bones.
  127. Yaasss I forgot Lockheart accidentally erased his own memories. Brilliant.
  128. Seriously, these doors don’t mess around. Magical snake locks are the real deal.
  129. Hogwarts really is a death trap. How do places like the Chamber exist underneath the damn school and nobody has any blueprints to back them up.
  130. I remember it BLOWING MY MIND when I realized Tom Riddle was Voldemort. 
  131. I totally forgot Ginny did all of the creepy stuff. What a terrible first year of school. Anyone afraid of a bad freshman year should just look to Ginny and feel better.
  132. What kind of a person wants to create a permanent copy of their 16-year-old self? No thanks.
  133. Boooom. It’s a brillaint reveal that he’s Voldemort. 
  134. I wonder how long he took to come up with the name Voldemort. I’m picturing some dumb kid just trying to come up with a name for when he hits it big.
  135. Damn, I forgot how huge this basilisk is. This is really terrifying.
  136. I really feel like Harry Potter could be an introduction to horror movies for young kids.
  137. Fawkes is a badass.
  138. There just shouldn’t be a serpent that big. It’s an affront to all things.
  139. They did a great job of showing that Harry has never swung a sword in his life.
  140. That basilisk just had the most dramatic death possible. And the Academy Award goes to…
  141. 16-year old Voldemort is such a dick.
  142. Another dramatic death for the books. Literally.
  143. I’ve suddenly realized that Ginny is only a year younger than Harry. Why did I always think she was like 5 years younger?
  144. Damn, a phoenix can literally do anything. Live forever, explode into flame, heal anything with their tears. That has to be the most versatile creature ever created. And it can carry four people through the air.
  145. No wonder Harry and Ron get into every possible scuffle in their time at Hogwarts.They constantly get rewarded by authority figures when they do dangerous, deadly things.
  146. How naive we were when we just thought Harry got some cool powers from Voldemort. 
  147. The Gryffindor sword is cool but it’s definitely not the best house relic. I have a thing for shiny diadems. I’m looking at you, Ravenclaw. 
  148. Lucius, get off your high horse. You don’t give a crap about the school or the students, besides your horrible son. 
  149. There’s nothing more deplorable than watching Lucius kick Dobby. Seriously, dude. How do you live past the end of the series. 
  150. Damn, House Elves have some hella intense powers. 
  151. I’d never noticed that Lucius whispered Avada as he was preparing to attack Harry. WTF.
  152. Hermione must be freaking out. She missed sooooo much school. 
  153. Aww, Ron looks so happy to see her. I forgot how awkward their relationship is from the very beginning. 
  154. Hagrid’s back! Yay for Harry Potter happy endings.
  155. I know there’s a cute moment happening with Hagrid, but seriously, how big is that bowl of peas in the background? I wish I had a better final thought but alas, here we are. 

Photo by David Clode on Unsplash